Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sunshine to the rescue of one very helpless feeling lady!

Good afternoon my dear friends....I hope that the sun is shinning inyour part of the woods! The sun is shinning here today and I believe the Good Lord must have sent it to rescue me. I spent the morning filling the bird feeders, feeding the outdoor kitty's and of course stealing some Kitty lovins for each of the them. I picked up things that had blown all over the yard & burned them. hung my new Wind chime and most of all I forgot about the latest bad news I recieved yesterday for a little while...

As I was holding one of the cats sitting on my step I thanked God for his answer to my prayer last night. I ask him to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok.
He gave me sunshine and Kittys rubbing around my legs and purring in my ears!



How do you handle those helpless feelings you get when it seems like you will never see the end to those very things that drag you down & seems that no matter what you do, you can't change them? Relstionships, Health issues, the weather, money problems, depression..... you know what I mean. We all have our demons lurking just behind the door waiting to trip us up..

I confess my demons have been behind every door tripping me up day after day for way to long now. I can never think of a time in my life that I have been so over whelming depressed or felt so alone and helpless.

Most of you know that my health issues have been out of control and it has been one surgery after another, starting with the Thyroid surgery and then to try to correct the damage my thyroid caused.

Last Thursday I had my throat Surgery & biopsy on my inner right cheek. The surgery went well. I haven't gotten my biopsy report back yet on the cheek so of course I'm pretty anxious about that. I still can't speak louder then a soft voice but I think that will eventually go back to normal. My cheek is very raw where they removed the tissue because of my dry mouth... but it to will eventually heal.

Monday I had to have a CT-scan on my sinus because I have been unable to get rid of this Sinus infection I've had since December 3rd.

Tuesday I had to have a mole removed from my breast that had doubled in size over the last few months. I was shocked when I removed the band aid to find a 2 1/2" inch incision with 14 stitches in it, to remove a mole 1/8th" around.
Good heavens why such a large incision? Called the nurse and she said the doctor said to make sure they got all of the mole out. Well I sure hope they got it all...cause I'm gona have one heck of scar. what what is another scar I have a collection of them..hehe..

After that minor surgery I walked out thinking finally no more surgeries. Now i can work on getting my body & my life back to normal. I was smiling all the way to the van!

Then came Wednesday....I got a call from my Doctor with the results of the CT-scan on my Sinus. Not Good...Not Good at all..
I have Paranasaal Sinus Disease. The Scan shows a Fobro-osseous Lesion (tumor)  measureing 1.4 x 1.4 x 2.0 cm centered in the medial wall of the righ maxillary sinus with groundglass features that extends into my medial hard palate & right medial nasalacrimal duct. Fancy words for i have a Tumor in my right sinus...

Not a surprise since I've been dealing with sinus infections for months but sure a disappointment & so discouraging because this means yet another surgery.
At least it explains why my cheek under my eye has been swollen & painful for months..& why the sinus infection just wouldn't go away...

Sad thing is I had surgery for this very thing 15 years ago..Never thought it would come back but thats before I realized my body was going to stage a huge retaliation against me and screw up all my plans for spending my retirement hanging out on my boat with all my boater friends on Kelley's Island.and creating beautiful Prim gathering in my shop.
Needless to say, I lost it and cryed for hours....I'm tired, I don't have the strength to endure much more. It seems like everytime I take a minute to think.... Thank God finally no more surgeries, I can finally start to rebuild my strength and my life and finally feel like I'm normal...something comes along to slap me down again...I feel so helpless to do anything to stop what is happening to me...
I'm a strong person...well I used to be..I've been threw a lot in my life. In the past I've always felt as if I could beat all the odds and bounce back..But sadly I admit, I don't feel like that anymore and that's the worst thing for me to think...but I simply can't help it.
I'm alone in my battle to win back my life, for the first time in my life I don't know how to change the way I feel anymore.

If my voice wasn't hoarse I'd go outside and scream myself hoarse...lol..
Dear God when is this all going to stop? Enough is enough I want my life back!

I know that everyone is tired of hearing about my wooooo's I can't blame you so am I.

But I need your prayers and any words of wisdom you can share with me.

Prim Blessings from my house to yours! May God give you all that you need to find Peace & Happiness in your heart!

Tonya































10 comments:

  1. I wish I had a magic wand to take away so much pain and despair that so many are going through. We just need to believe that God has a plan of each of us and not loose faith.
    Keeping you in my prayers Tonya.
    Bless you,
    Sheila

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  2. So sorry to hear of more bad news from your doctor.
    I have started to hate the word test when I go to the
    doctor. It seems when I get one health problem taken
    care of, another one crops up. I know how you feel, it
    can really get a person down. Hang in there and be
    strong. I am praying for you.
    Tamera
    Country at heart

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  3. It's hard to know what to say friend to encourage you. Sending big (((hugs))).

    I can tell you one thing though. You ARE NOT ALONE. God is right with you all you need to do is ask for his help and lean on Him. He doesn't want you to handle it alone. Roll your burden on Him and let Him take care of it.

    If we trust our life to Him He will work things out the way He wants it to be. It's not always about us.

    This is a lesson He is trying to teach me right now and I'm not doing very good at learning it either. Seems like its always, I, me, my, I wanna do this my way....but He gave us life and He wants us to give our life back to Him.

    Hmmm not sure where all that came from. Like I said, guess its for me too.

    Please know you are not alone and remember, if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

    Hugs
    Felicia

    Find a good church with a good Pastor and start going and make friends that will be with you.

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  4. Will keep on sending the prayers your way Tonya, this just has to get better for you soon my friend! Sending you (((HUGS))) Keep your chin up!

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  5. Please know I'm not tired of hearing about all going on with your health. I fill sure all our wonderful blog friends are not tired of hearing. A shoulder to cry on is what friend's are for. I fill SO alone in My
    grief and I am depressed. With all that said we are not alone. God is with us even when we can't fill or see and are blogs friend's are here for us. Prayer lifted. Blessings! Lara

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  6. Oh Tonya, I am so sincerely sorry. Believe me, I know what you are going through. I have had over 3 years of one thing right after another. And I got so down and depressed just like you. Then one day.....I told myself ....shape up cause you are making everything worse! It was hard...I had alot of crying nights but my faith has brought me through. Some days I would ask God - WHY ME? But he had this plan for me and knew what it would be and I had to go along with it. Now, keep your chin up and try to smile , take deep breaths and count to 10. I promise to pray as much as I can for you.

    Everyday blessings to you,
    Susannah

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  7. Thanks everyone for all of your kind words and support...they diffinately lifted my spirits!

    ((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

    Tonya

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  8. Tonya, I am so very sorry you are having to deal with all these health issues, one right after another. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Hugs,
    Denise

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  9. Oh my friend, I can certainly relate~ these past few months the bathtub was my crying place. This will all quiet down soon, I will pray for you- I just had a ct scan of my sinuses yesterday. Keep strong, You are in my thoughts~
    Pamela

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  10. Yes..It seems like all they do anymore is run tests and then you wait and wait and dred hearing the results. Do like someone just told you Tonya and find a Church you like and you will find some friends that will be there when you need someone. We are all here for you and praying for you but having someone close will be good too. I have been very depressed too and some of it is health issues and some of it is trying to move. I prayed about it and that is when I got the idea to do like you said in your comment on my Blog. I (and many others) will be saying special prayers for you Tonya. I know it is hard but just know we are all there for you. Big Hugs ((((((Hugs))))))
    Nancy

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I'm so Blessed that you stopped by & shared your thoughts with me today! Reading your comments always makes me Smile!