Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sunshine to the rescue of one very helpless feeling lady!
As I was holding one of the cats sitting on my step I thanked God for his answer to my prayer last night. I ask him to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok.
He gave me sunshine and Kittys rubbing around my legs and purring in my ears!
How do you handle those helpless feelings you get when it seems like you will never see the end to those very things that drag you down & seems that no matter what you do, you can't change them? Relstionships, Health issues, the weather, money problems, depression..... you know what I mean. We all have our demons lurking just behind the door waiting to trip us up..
I confess my demons have been behind every door tripping me up day after day for way to long now. I can never think of a time in my life that I have been so over whelming depressed or felt so alone and helpless.
Most of you know that my health issues have been out of control and it has been one surgery after another, starting with the Thyroid surgery and then to try to correct the damage my thyroid caused.
Last Thursday I had my throat Surgery & biopsy on my inner right cheek. The surgery went well. I haven't gotten my biopsy report back yet on the cheek so of course I'm pretty anxious about that. I still can't speak louder then a soft voice but I think that will eventually go back to normal. My cheek is very raw where they removed the tissue because of my dry mouth... but it to will eventually heal.
Monday I had to have a CT-scan on my sinus because I have been unable to get rid of this Sinus infection I've had since December 3rd.
Tuesday I had to have a mole removed from my breast that had doubled in size over the last few months. I was shocked when I removed the band aid to find a 2 1/2" inch incision with 14 stitches in it, to remove a mole 1/8th" around.
Good heavens why such a large incision? Called the nurse and she said the doctor said to make sure they got all of the mole out. Well I sure hope they got it all...cause I'm gona have one heck of scar. what what is another scar I have a collection of them..hehe..
After that minor surgery I walked out thinking finally no more surgeries. Now i can work on getting my body & my life back to normal. I was smiling all the way to the van!
Then came Wednesday....I got a call from my Doctor with the results of the CT-scan on my Sinus. Not Good...Not Good at all..
I have Paranasaal Sinus Disease. The Scan shows a Fobro-osseous Lesion (tumor) measureing 1.4 x 1.4 x 2.0 cm centered in the medial wall of the righ maxillary sinus with groundglass features that extends into my medial hard palate & right medial nasalacrimal duct. Fancy words for i have a Tumor in my right sinus...
Not a surprise since I've been dealing with sinus infections for months but sure a disappointment & so discouraging because this means yet another surgery.
At least it explains why my cheek under my eye has been swollen & painful for months..& why the sinus infection just wouldn't go away...
Sad thing is I had surgery for this very thing 15 years ago..Never thought it would come back but thats before I realized my body was going to stage a huge retaliation against me and screw up all my plans for spending my retirement hanging out on my boat with all my boater friends on Kelley's Island.and creating beautiful Prim gathering in my shop.
Needless to say, I lost it and cryed for hours....I'm tired, I don't have the strength to endure much more. It seems like everytime I take a minute to think.... Thank God finally no more surgeries, I can finally start to rebuild my strength and my life and finally feel like I'm normal...something comes along to slap me down again...I feel so helpless to do anything to stop what is happening to me...
I'm a strong person...well I used to be..I've been threw a lot in my life. In the past I've always felt as if I could beat all the odds and bounce back..But sadly I admit, I don't feel like that anymore and that's the worst thing for me to think...but I simply can't help it.
I'm alone in my battle to win back my life, for the first time in my life I don't know how to change the way I feel anymore.
If my voice wasn't hoarse I'd go outside and scream myself hoarse...lol..
Dear God when is this all going to stop? Enough is enough I want my life back!
I know that everyone is tired of hearing about my wooooo's I can't blame you so am I.
But I need your prayers and any words of wisdom you can share with me.
Prim Blessings from my house to yours! May God give you all that you need to find Peace & Happiness in your heart!